Guilt Free Eating: Eat. Stay. Love.

Stream of consciousness from about two days ago.

And so here it goes. I woke up, just now, well, about 20 minutes ago, and suddenly had to write. I had no warning this was coming. It is 12:40am, and I have to work 10 hours tomorrow, Monday. I am fasting tomorrow, which I love doing, but means I won't be able to do any soothing with food or drink tomorrow. That really makes no difference and I don't know why I am even mentioning it.

You see, my life still has an occasional whirling, jumbled up ball of fucked-up, thoughts of panic, and doubt, and, worry, and questions, and if I don't say that, I am lying, which is what I say in my book to not do. By lying to others, you are first lying to yourself. Now, I still consider myself to be mentally and emotionally healthy and mature. I can put those fucked-up parts of my brain into a much smaller ball now. I picture it as a ball anyway, and it only bounces around in my mind every once and a while. But, even saying fucked-up makes me think I will alienate all of the other mature, truly mature, people of the world, like the Dali Lama, and Miguel Ruiz, and Eckhart Tolle, and other spiritual leaders. I aspire to be like them. I want world peace and I want to live in a world of laughter and lightness and joy and understanding and enlightenment and happiness and togetherness as a world. I bet they don't swear, but I imagine it is because they were able to create a life of balance, that does not involve the influence of others, to a large degree. I am sure I am not saying that right. Ya know what? Swearing, and expressive language will be for another post. Today, in order for me to express my current state of emotions, I need to say fuck-up, and shit, and screw it, and I need to say that sometime I feel so fucking repressed, I may lose my mind. The life I have created, causes me to bite my tongue, a lot!!!!!! Ouch. But, sometimes, to be emotionally mature, you do have to live with the choices you have made, and make the very best out of them. There will usually be a time and a place to express yourself that is more appropriate. Like, when you are chatting with your girlfriends. If you have good ones, you can talk honestly and just, let it out. Ok, I have gone on a bit of an tangent to my original points in my head, but that is what it is like to be woken up at this time of morning and have to write.

But the choices I have made in my life have put me here, where I am right now. This is not where I wish I was, exactly. Had I been more emotionally mature and mentally healthy, at a younger age, I would have made different choices than I have made. But seeing as I wasn't, and I didn't, I sometimes feel trapped by the decisions I did made. Now, I have made an amazing life out of the choices I have made, but still, there are times I want to say, ok, now I am a very different person than I was before, and I want to live a different kind of life than the one I have. But, you can't just do that. I have created a life. A life with people in it. People who I love. People who love me. I have a job which pays the bills and isn't terrible, but not the one that brings me passion. I am thinking of a book about a woman who was sobbing on her bathroom floor because her life did not resemble her. This woman went off to find herself, leaving behind her marriage. I don't think that is the mature, kind, responsible way to do it, but, her book sold tons of copies, and, apparently she found herself, so it seems to have worked for her. All that aside, I want to talk about what I feel is an extremely important point.

Parents, allow your children to be them! Allow them to first, be children. Allow them to express themselves. Not who you think they should be. Provide gazillions of opportunities for experiences, but don't force them to stick to anything they hate, at least not at a young age. That is not how to teach them to follow through. If they get to be older, and they have begged you to do a certain thing, and have promised they will see it through, then yes, hold them responsible to seeing it through. Unless, what they are doing is causing them such distress, and they can admit they were wrong and learn from it that way. I guess what I am saying is, you will need to always balance everything so that you are not enabling them, but also that you are not torturing them. They may go through katrillion of phases and it is your job to love them unconditionally through each and every one of them. You need to teach them to be kind to themselves and others. You need to teach them how to eat food that makes their body feel good. You need to teach them to take care of themselves physically, so that they can perform at what THEY like to do to the best of their ability. Teach them to be respectful to those that earn respect and teach them how to react respectfully to those that don't. Please, don't say kids don't come with a manual, as an excuse to stay uneducated about your unique child. In this day and age, with the babillions of libraries, and Amazon, and Google, and with the wealth of books and material written on I think almost every subject, you can read about most things and educate yourself. The one that will educate you the most, will be your own child, in many, but not all cases. There are also gobs of support groups on-line. I think Facebook has a support group for most conditions, life style choices, interests, etc. but I could be wrong.

One of the things that happened today, out of the heaps of things that did happen today, was that I asked someone if I could hang a flier up at their place of business. The flier has on it, a picture of the cover of my book, as it is now. The person said I could hang it up, and asked if I could first create a picture for the flier that did not include the nudity that is on it, as it would be seen by small children. Which I happily did, because the person knows the audience of their business, and I respect that. But it got me thinking... What do the majority of people think of the cover? I personally would not mind if a small child saw it. I am, because of the choices I have made, currently fairly conservative. I have a side that will emerge with age, that will not be so much, but for now, yes. I think the cover is tasteful, and, it is meant to be empowering. It is a human body, that has been through a lot. It is a body. We all have them. It is covered up. I am not angry when asking this question. I may be way off here, in my liking of it. It is hard to be objective sometimes, with your own stuff. That is why I am asking. You, the reader of this blog, be honest. I am asking your opinion, so please give it to me. Below is the current cover of my book. I had to do it "myself", with help from someone that does not want to be mentioned. We don't have any money to invest in getting anything professionally done. But, I think it is fitting, for what the book is about. Which, by the way, is my LIFE. I am trying to sell people a copy of my life's story. It is pretty scary, and yet, I am doing it because I hope it can help woman, and some men, who may feel compelled to read it, feel empowered to tell their own story.