Sometimes, when God works in mysterious ways, the ways seem
completely devastatingly awful. And the reason we keep believing is simply
because we want to see our truest loves again.
I used to have hypochondria. I suffered for many years, and you can read all about it in my book, if you are interested. I feel it was justified, but I also hated it, and needed it to stop. I explain how I got it to stop. I thought it was completely gone. Events in the past three years have caused it to rear up. I would self diagnose this as PTSD. A doctor has diagnosed it as an anxiety disorder. I have excellent reasons for my anxiety, so I am not concerned that I have that diagnosis. I recently thought I was dying, again. I won't go into my long explanation of my health status, and luckily I have good doctors who don't panic when I do, but also don't ignore me, and are checking into things. I feel less like I am dying now. I have had to use many of the techniques I learned many years back. But below are a few thoughts that have come out of my fear.
I thought
she would stay alive.
I
had a friend.
She
ate well. Very well. Extremely well.
She
exercised. She was a runner and an athlete.
She
had very strong bonds with people. Most people describe her as one of a kind.
She
had the very best outlook on life. Her glass was always just, full.
She
had a job that she loved, and where people adored her.
She
had a young son that she loved fiercely, and who she fought so hard to stay
alive for.
She
wrote beautiful words, and shared her journey.
She
was stunning, and had a fashion sense to envy.
She
had the best of care, and did all she was supposed to do.
She
had the strongest faith I have ever seen.
I
thought she would stay alive. She was 45. Her death has made each day much more important.
Even while she was sick, I learned the lesson to not take a day for
granted.
It all happened too fast
And
then, there was another friend. A beautifully wonderful woman, whose life
crossed with mine in small but increasing ways, but crossed in much larger ways
with the first. This friend died quite suddenly. She had recently married, and
she was new mom of her precious baby girl. She had a sister, and they shared a
bond you hope your own children will share. She was a light, always with a
smile and an easy laugh. Her death shook us all, and certainly those who loved
her most. She did not even have time to say goodbye, once she got ill. It all
happened too fast. It has left a permanent void for those who knew her.
What people say:
When
I talk about my fear of death, and more, my fear of leaving my daughter, many people say that I
am too young. I know that is not true.
That I am too healthy. My friends were healthy, until they weren't, and they did not get to live.
That I have good genes, and that my parents and older siblings are still alive. My two friends parents, and older siblings are still alive.
And then, there is this, and it
describes it far too well:
So
now, I question why would I expect to live? Why not me? The answer is simple, and my
friends would be proud to hear me say it. Life is in God's hands. All our lives are.
There is no reason to fret or worry, (but despite this we may) when it is not
up to us. We can do all things right, or all things wrong, and none of it makes
much sense.
It seems a moral obligation to take good mental and physical care
of ourselves, so as not to burden one another. But for that to happen, we also
need to love each other.
This political cycle (Bam, politics! Ya can't get away from it right now.), is a perfect time to practice not judging each other. I know there are many conflicting views that are being shared, but the most important thing to remember is that we all want the world to be a better place. We don't agree on how to make that happen, but I can guarantee you that it has to start with us, not with who ever gets elected. We have to love each other, despite our differences. We are all in this together. Peace starts with us.
